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(The adventures of “Little Béa” North of the “Great Wide Open“, across the Tagus and (thankfully) well past Seixal…)
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My cherished Professeure Beatrix,
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Accounts have recently come to light of your most recent exploits in the field of Human Biomechanics.
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I had a chance to glance at them in the pages of the esteemed and leading peer-reviewed scientific journal entitled “The Monsaraz Gazette of Human Physiology“. Quite riveting and thought-provoking erudition, even to a mere proselyte of your teachings, such as myself.
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Long has it been known in Odivelas, that the old masters had in foolhardy fashion, rendered the laws of human morphology and… “zoology” so feebly accessible, even when faced with such daunting prospects as containing the remarkably inventive, “academically fortified” and southern bred Beatrix Adjani-Cameron.
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From what I could gather in the aforementioned trade publication, your writing is quite beautiful and expressive, accessible even to the minds of “lesser mortals”. The way in which you write, I found it to be seemingly… adequate academically, and “enhanced” to induce congruence and rapport even with the average (and above) scientific commoners.
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We had all from afar been made aware of your scholastic background and cognitive abilities, which had gained renown at the “Instituto Superior de Ciências Educativas“. Nonetheless, we were all taken back at the sheer grandiosity of your most recent dissertations.
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I heard that in class, you even attempted to correct “Professeur Pinheiro” (I used to do the same in History and Economics classes, back in the 1990s…) about the process of fomentation of osteoblasts and how incrementing the consumption of whey protein might help facilitate it. You naughty, naughty, clever, ever-smiling and sleepy-eyed (as well as a further varied and wide range of “womanly charms”) little “minx”…
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Even by merely attempting to comprehend the all encompassing scope of it all, I have been forced to learn your generation’s “unarchetypal” nomenclature (with quite a hefty side helping of “garbagy” Wokery). Such as… “B-Learning” (“Blended Learning“, I initially assumed, that it had something to do with sandwiches that boasted an amalgam of both ham and cheese…), “Non-Binary” (I thought it had something to do with the multiple USB ports on a Dekstop), “Misgendering” and “Deadnaming“, and of course, the not so “burdensome”… “you’re canceled, dude!”
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I had in the past year or so, attempted to “attend” an “E-Learning” course at FPF. But I quit after just one class, as I had assumed that class would be filled with “Instagram models” posing as dilligent students, all attempting to learn how to become proper and certified (or “certifiable”…) “Team Managers“. Very dreary stuff, a frightful bore in every sense of it. And most “maidenly” students in attendance were altogether “declassé” as well as imperious and haughty in regards to their social competences.
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After a while, we were posed questions such as, if we were the President of a small Club in the periphery of Setúbal, how would we monetize the local snack-bar (I suggested that we refurbished it as a “Brasserie” instead…) in order to get funds to finance the signing of new players.
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Frankly, I suggested that we get Suzanne Pires as a regular patron of our trays of pork rind sandwiches so that we could get some real money in fast. But somebody got offended… Deary me, how sensitive and “expertly” they all are these days.
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I had never been presented with such troublesome and burdensome questionnaires back when I was leading Estoril Praia to the Champions League final in “Championship Manager 2001/02” in the mid-2000s.
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And back then, “Béa“, Alentejanas mostly could write (well, some could…) an assortment of theses about the virtues of agricultural and horticultural toolmanship (mostly, about “Enxadas“). But hardly ever anything beyond that… I can only assume, that “Mamma Cameron” always supplied you with an overly healthy “allowance” of flavonoids for breakfast.
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With these most recent… “cacographies” of yours, you have beyond all doubt proven yourself to be a true… “Mistress” in the art of producing publications explicating your bewildering theories. As well as undeniably demonstrated yourself to be “just” a peerless paragon of enthusiasm in a panoply a field of human endeavours, mostly due to your ravenous intellectual appetites.
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You have written some previously unheard-of academic books which distilled your studious learnings whily fully respecting and well-substantiating them with we
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Accordingly, it’s only rightful and safe to hypothesize that your “puissant” cognitive powers are now at the uppermost end of the spectrum.
Reading you (as well – meagerly… – as I could), I have found you on the whole to be quite the rationalist and logician, which is always a surprise coming from a human being with “indoor plumbing” (as best as I can tell from a distance…)
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I was joyous to see you switch institutions earlier this year, once you had dully and thoroughly “satiated” yourself with the “companionship” of some of those nincompoopish nitwits who spend their days pondering about such frivolities as tanning salons, and which was in fact their favorite episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (gracious…). And by any normal yardstick of “measurement”, that would brand them as camaraderies of the dense-skulled variety. Good for heading in crosses, but little else, I fear.
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Although… I was flabbergasted to ascertain that despite all of your vast scholarly experimentations, you, my dear “Béa“, have paid scant importance to any sort of metaphysical lines of demarcation as to how dangerous these scientific findings of yours may yet show themselves to be…, in the “hands” of an assortement of “cloven-footed figures”. Care you not (syntax be damned, woman!!!) about their practical applications?
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As an athlete, you never shirked a tackle, no matter how “studded”, fierce or malicious the opposition. So where have your highbrowed morals and “contemptuous courage” gone off to? It gives me an unimaginable heartache to see you conduct yourself in such a careless and “cavalier” comportment.
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Perhaps I should not be pitching such grievances to you, but I do care, I do care so very, very much. You’ve been burning your “candle” twice too brightly, setting your tired intellect nigh on fire. Plus, I worry that this overventuresome “moral turpitude” that you’ve been brandishing as of late, will hereafter land you in perilous terrains with the rest of the notoriously unyielding academic community.
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Step lightly and tread carefully, little “Béa“, for the road is long, the nearby woods are perfidious, unforgiving and false-hearted, and your endangering adventures fraught with ignorance and enviousness.
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But, aside from all this, I have been told that your “sapphic urges” have recently led to you being betrothed to some Russian second rate demi-soloist from Saint Petersburg (but the one in Russia, or the one in Florida?), or was it Pittsburgh? The one without the obese ‘Maricanos, I can only assume…
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Yes, your very own “Babushka”, one… Madame Tamara Tyumen Petrova, which by the aristocratic sound of it, “resonates” as financially very well-laden.
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But I had never pictured you with a Ballerina, as I had spuriously fancied you with a “red-leagued” nutritionist of some kind. Someone who would keep you well stocked (and well stoked) with a splurge of blueberry pancakes, how very Karpovian of you two…
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Don’t get/read me wrongly, I like the ballet, and I enjoy the odd stab at Russian culture, but experience has taught me, than when girls marry early on in life, sooner or later, they always wind up “putting the horns” (multiple times…) to their beloved spouses (or… “spousettes“).
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I know, because I myself, on one too many (or too few…) an occasions have been (integral) part (which “segment”, I care not to expound upon…) of such blasted(and lovingly) and sordid affairs. Accordingly, I have first hand (or first tongued…) a degree of inwardness into marital… “offside proceedings”. If you get my meaning, and I trust that you do.
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Beatrix, seriously, have you taken leave of your senses? Has your brain been addled by all of those 7% (and 5%) “solutions” (of green tea, of course) that you’ve been (full)filling yourself with? It is entirely possible that you presently are not quite yourself?
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In all honesty, I care not, nor wish not, to be any sort of meddler or busybody upon your own affairs. But, be that as it may, pray tell, let me known what have you seen your… middle-aged Slavic temptress? She, who word has it, is quite bossy, a veritable shrew (in the Shakespearean sense of it all).
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Why don’t you instead go to the littoral and find yourself a nice “Santadrina” (I love it’s etymology) girl? And again, I ask, if by chance you have not been paid a visit by any inconvenient “gerontogeous gusts”? I fear that Mamma Cameron would be entitled to be “victorianly horrified” to see you be bewedded (rhymes with “beheaded“, does it not?) to such an Eastern Dragon Lady.
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Riddle me this, riddle me that, who’ll get “fecundated” by the big “conceptualization”-filled easterly “rat”? How “hackneyed” I came across, just a few short diphthongs (speaking of thongs…) ago. I do apologize deeply, as one feels a need to clear oneself after such disreputable attempts at “jokery” when conversing with a modish young lady such as yourself. Good-heartedly cast your mind back to more bearable moments of me.
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Plus, I think you’ll find it exceedingly difficult to fathom their “Eastward mentality”. I do so hope that saner heads will prevail. After all, what matters most, her monetary value, or your sanity and psychological well-being?
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While you were off to some garden-variety lectures in Bruges and The Hague, I had a quick browse at your lodgings in Odivelas, earlier this month. I observed that you are still as abstemious and as tidy as ever before. And in a lickety-split fashion, I glanced at some of the riddles, problems of logic and mathematical equations that you’ve been diddling about and “grappling” with, and I can only assume that your gray matter remains a finely-tuned precision instrument. Without question, Southern Portugal’s best (and brightest).
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“Béa“, you have remained steadfast and earnest in your efforts, and your focus has been unwavering in your pursuit of phrenic immortality (to come). Furthermore, it is inarguable, that despite your tendency for “homophilic passions” and desires, that you are no sort of “womanism” radical. You are, point in fact, a well spoken and sensical young lady, and with each passing day, you are displaying less an less of a propensity towards villainy. Unlike whatshisname? “Professor Jim somethingorother…”
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“Béa“… I wish you well, all of success, and many, many happinesses.
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With (big) “brotherly” love, yours truly, Ronnie.
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Wallack’s Point, Connecticut.
Wednesday, the 23rd of November, 2022,
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Text: Ronald William Miller
Image: All rights reserved.
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