THE ADVENTURES OF JAKE PAUL IN THE LAND OF… THE TOP 250 HEAVYWEIGHTS.

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The old timers sayeth, that one can play tennis, one can play golf, one can play soccer, one can even play chess (and I most assuredly do). But one cannot “play” Boxing, because if one is out of one’s depth, one isn’t merely going to get beaten, one is in fact going to get beaten up and perhaps seriously injured.
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Regardless of whether your interests lie with playing piano, crafting embroidery (lovely, lovely), giving baths to Cocker Spaniels, or hold within you the earnest pretension to become a professional Boxer, you either have a natural aptitude for it, or you do not, and in the latter, no amount of practice will ever overcome that lack of innate talent.
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On the other hand, if you do have natural God-given talent for something, you must harness it and develop it to its fullest potential. I’ve often attended seminars where men such as coach Bruno Lage (he once at Bramall Lane witnessed “in loco” Errol Spence‘s trashing of Kell Brook) stated that one must give 10.000 hours of his(or her) time to a certain subject in order to properly master it.
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A recent (and downright obnoxious)”fad” within the sport of Boxing, has been the rise of the “celebrity match-ups“. Basically, idiotic dilettantes that do not know a left jab from a left cross and yet, since they are famous, they do attract eyeballs and media attention, and therefore, there are greedy misers a’ plenty in the promoting business who are willing to put forth these “freak shows” where idiots (who are followed by a generation of  millions of other pinheads) “play-box” and make millions. All the while, skilled practitioners toil away in the shadows perfecting their craft for a pittance (or a “tuppence” ).
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There are different breeds of Boxing aficionados, some “ghouls” are into it for the gore, blood-letting and violence. Personally, I’m into it for its technical and artistic beauty and prowess, I like skilled sportsmen who “play” it with textbook technique and respect for the game’s history. That’s the reason why, amongst today’s professionals, I count among my favorites “specialists” like Vasiliy Lomachenko, Errol Spence Jr, Shakur Stevenson and Jesse Rodriguez. They may(or may not) be the best fighters out there, but they are certainly the most technically endowed, and therefore, the “artists” I rather watch.
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Now, even in the thick of all the dilettantes, enthusiastic beginners and ranked amateurs out there, there are bound to be some “freaks” who quite simply have more natural ability for the sport of Boxing than other “mutants” . And one of them, seems to be one Jake Joseph Paul.
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Realistically, there’s no sound reason to expect great things from Mr Paul. He was not born into a Boxing family, he has not boxed since his early days, he simply decided to take up the sport, and found that he had an inordinate modicum of proficiency for it, and in consequence, he decided to exploit it for all its financial glory and notoriety.
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“Regretfully” , I have seen Mr Paul box, and he does come across as someone who has natural concussive power in his right cross, a reasonable understanding of the game’s finer and more basic aspects, and he seems willingly to work on his craft(if not his conditioning). And that’s all well and good, and he has thus far compiled a 5-0 record with 4 KOs to the excitement of his idiotic and ignoramus fan base, who are quite likely “once removed” from proper UFC fandom.
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Somebody once said that he could be 100-0 with 100 KOs if he only fought inferior opposition(such as Lisbon’s taxi drivers…) And if we are to closely regard young Mr Paul’s list of adversaries, what we indeed do find, is that among there was not one single solitary seasoned professional pugilist. As of yet, up to now, Mr Paul had merely been “fed” other dilettantes, the difference being, all those cannon fodders, were even less gifted than Mr Paul himself has proven to be.
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Mr Paul has so far feasted on a veritable “moveable feast“(sorry, Ernie…) of “bums”, and consequently, it is of no great surprise nor consequence, that so far, he has remained… “invincible“, once more, to the joyous rapture of the nincompoops who for whatever hare-brained reasoning, regard him as an athlete of some importance. Certainly, but certainly not in any matters of any fistic bearing.
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This upcoming August 6th, Mr Paul is going to purportedly step up in class and face one Hasim Rahman Jr., if the name sounds oddly familiar, it is because he is the firstborn son of former (and flukish) world heavyweight champion of the world, Hasim Rahman Sr. So, there are reasonable expectations, that a professional boxer (but not much of one at that…) who was born into Boxing, should be able to present Mr Paul’s first stiff test.
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Well, yes and no, you see(read), Mr Rahman Jr has thus far only had 13 pro fights over the course of more than 5 years, and he’s already 31 years old, so that is not exactly the eye-popping “résumé” of a world-beater. Plus, in his most recent fight, Mr Rahman stepped up (by all accounts) in class, and got beaten (by KO) by a near-unknown who answers by the name of Kenzie Morrison, son of the late Tommy Morrison and likely a distant relative of John Wayne (I kid you not, dear readers).
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So, how sturdy a test is Mr Rahman Jr likely to put forth? He is presently ranked as the 219th best heavyweight (out of a pool of over 1300 ranked “masters”) on the planet, so I figure he’s likely good enough to beat you(dear readers) or myself(not bloody likely, I run too fast…), but in the context of his own sport, he has not proven himself to be quite the force at all! He has been pretty much a “bust”, and sorrowfully, not the sort of BUST that Mrs Salma Hayek sports so proudly, for all of Womankind/Girlykind to spitefully sneer at (and rightfully so). But on these matters of… “breasty outgrowth”, kindly, I do humbly besiege you… “give that chest a rest” (pun very much intended).
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Oddly(or perhaps not), Mr Paul has stipulated that the fight must happen at no higher weight than 200 pounds: Up to now, Mr Paul has mostly been competing at or around 190 pounds, while Mr Rahman’s typical fighting trim “loiters” in the neighborhood of 210 pounds. So, we can rationally assume that Mr Rahman is the naturally bigger man by the order of 20 odds pounds. (Cogito)Ergo(Sum), this fight will be a bit of a “catchweight” affair for both parties, where Paul “blimps up” 10 pounds, and Rahman “melts” down another 10(or 15) pounds, and then, these two gentlemen at cross-purposes will meet each other halfway.
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There must be a reason why Jake Paul or his handlers have picked Mr Rahman, perhaps they know something we do not, or maybe, they too are ranked amateurs as far as matchmaking is concerned. That would suit me fine, to see this “freak show” properly derailed. I dare not self-proclaim to be an expert or biographer on Mr Rahman, but, if his chin holds up – and Mr Paul certainly has power in his  counterclockwise leftward wallop – he may were well have the innate common sense and adroitness to handle Mr Paul his first(of many, one hopes…) loss.
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One thing I have noticed, is how heavy (and not “muscly”) Mr Paul looked in promotional photos during the 2nd week of July, Paul’s paunch and backside looked quite voluminous, and he has never really struck me as an “athlete” (and I’m using this term quite loosely) who keeps in shape in between training camps. Yes, August 6th could very well be shaping up as quite the humbling for Mr Paul. One can only hope so, for the sake of the sport, if not its coffers.
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Parque das Nações,
July 27th, 2022,
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Text: Ronald William Miller.
Image: All rights reserved.
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